Less “Safe,” More Secure
Being in the air feels so strange and unnerving to me. So when I had the chance to go on an epic trip to Italy with Stella and my parents over her Spring Break, I had to face that fear. A little airplane anxiety is a terrible reason to turn down an amazing trip!
Over the course of the flights there and back again, I wrangled the feelings of fear over and again. I rehearsed in my mind the things my savvy traveling friends tell me, (including Brian’s insights as a formerly licensed private pilot!) - that airplanes just don’t crash. That turbulence is just “driving down a bumpy road” in the sky. (But then… that’s just another reminder of being IN THE SKY…)
As we traversed the last airborne segment connecting we weary travelers back to the comforts of home, I thought of how easy it is for me to trust in what makes me feel safe rather than what is actually safe.
The flight felt ok when there was no turbulence. But when we experienced turbulence, that didn’t make the flight less safe.
I have no issues with train travel because it feels comfortable to me. Known.
I trust what’s known because it feels safe, but that doesn’t mean it is.
I trust car travel because it feels safe to me. It’s not.
The feeling of safety is not the best indicator of what is safe, and the goal of safety is not the best goal for life. Comfort and “feeling safe” are two things that can easily shrink my life’s parameters into a boring little box. But that’s not where I want to live!
Now that we’re back, I can see it differently. Now I know what I’d have missed if I had allowed my fears and feelings to dictate my decision — and I want to go again! The reward was worth the risk. The confidence of facing fear brings greater security after all.
Today’s Practice: What is something that makes you feel safe but might be holding you back from living a fuller life?
Recovering from Reader’s Rock Bottom
I’m reading Pride and Prejudice for the first time. Sometimes I feel embarrassed that I made it through a BA in English and all the way to 40 without reading Austen.
But two facts should thoroughly dispel that shame: 1) No one can read everything. It’s just not possible. 2) I’m reading again after I went years not reading a single book.
Five years ago, I noticed I couldn't read anymore. I was reading an article that had started out interesting but as it went on, I just … drifted away. My eyes started to glaze. I’d finish a paragraph only to realize I had no recollection of its contents.
I’d always considered myself a reader, so this was an issue for me.
I was the kid who read by the faint night light bulb long after lights out. I was the one who died on the hill for a light to read by before falling asleep, after discovering I had married a man who did not read in bed.
Reading expands our human experience, even without changing our experience. Even though I can’t actually see through someone else's eyes, or live a different life story, I can better understand any number of them through reading.
Reading slows us down. It centers our focus and attention. In seasons with an especially full schedule, I have found it is essential to build in time for some kind of grounding activity.
So after I hit my reader’s rock bottom, I made some changes. Screens and scrolling had helped diminish my attention span, so I put limits on those. I picked up a beloved standby, Anne Of Green Gables, and started there. The nostalgia of how I’d loved reading and re-reading the Anne series years before helped pull me along when I had to keep re-starting a page as I worked to build my focus.
Eventually, I finished the series and kept going. Kids’ books were a great option, so next I dove into N. D. Wilson’s Outlaws of Time series. Then, keeping on the time-travel streak, I re-read Madeleine L’Engle’s Time trilogy.
For a few years, I set a goal to read more books than the year before. I ended up with 15 in 2017, then 18 and 20-some the next years. Then I dropped the goals and kept the habit. I generally have a book going at all times (either fiction or non-fiction). I love ending the day with reading, or escaping into another world over a lunch break or on a lazy weekend afternoon.
It was work, but it was worth it. I learned that 1 - The brain can be re-trained. 2 - It’s worth finding the things that make you feel more like yourself, and making time for them.
So tell me, are you a reader? What are you reading right now?
Better Rest for the Restless
It had been a full day, coming right off of a full weekend. We celebrated Stella’s 17th birthday and the 10th anniversary of Live Oak Church. We hosted family and reveled in the noise and energy of twice the amount of boys as usual. (And the usual amount is already fairly loud and energetic!)
President’s Day, I hear, was a holiday and a day off for some, but not for us. In our house it was a day ON. I am not complaining, I love my flexible schedule, but sometimes things hit all at once, and this was one of those times.
I knew I would feel weary by the close of the day, and I did. As I wrapped up the last task of the day, I habit-clicked onto social media to “unwind” by turning my brain off with a little scroll time.
I noticed something, though. It seemed every status and updates was just, like, so annoying. I found this one grating, that one irritating, the other just *too* much. And then I remembered – if everything around you is a problem, then you’d better look at the common denominator: you.
So I clicked the tab closed, and then I could see it - I was just tired. And because I needed rest, my soul and mind were restless. Everything seemed like too much because I was weary and didn’t have the bandwidth for anything more.
Noticing this felt like a victory bought by years of hard-fought battle. It has taken hard work to grow more self-aware; to notice these small consistent patterns that keep me stuck, and then find healthier ones. It’s been a slow and intentional process of pruning old habits away and cultivating new ones that bring energy and are life-giving.
The night scroll does neither of those things, but when I am too tired to think anymore, it’s the easiest choice - because it’s a non-choice. My more restful choices include an episode of a favorite funny show with the family, or reading whatever book I’m currently into. (I just finished The Dynasty by Jeff Benedict and I never imagined I’d know this much about Belichick, Kraft & Brady!)
It’s worth the work of evaluating our habits to ask: What am I looking for here? What do I really need right now? Can this habit provide that?
Start with your most obvious point of frustration. Make a solid plan for what you can adopt as a new go-to the next time you reach for the old, restless habit. Don’t beat yourself up when you head down that familiar old path, but remind yourself kindly that your old habit no longer serves you, so you’re choosing a new way.
Today’s practice: Is there a non-restful “rest” habit that you tend to lean on? What kind of truly restful thing can you plan to choose instead?
Keeping The Hope Alive
“Our best momentum comes from the time we have spent working this process, getting excited about what’s next and clarifying the steps to get there.
Something to look forward to helps energize us, galvanize us and propel us.”
In January 2020, Brian and I made a goal to have more date getaways. And then everything suddenly went bananas, so that was kind of the last mention of that. We’ve been through a survival season these past two years. Leading a small church in this cultural moment sometimes felt like being a lighthouse keeper when everyone would prefer sheer dark. The work is important, but fraught. And it never ends.
We’ve been learning a lot, going to counseling, investing in meaningful friendships and keeping after healthier life rhythms. We want to make it through these years of ministry, parenting, life and marriage with our souls intact. Not jaded, bitter, burnt out or having given up.
Our season is full of kid conversations, “teachable moments” (many of them the “what the heck were you thinking, kid?” kind), fun kid stuff, hard kid stuff, our kids getting older and having decisions that seem ever more important. And so many kid words spilling out all over each other.
We carve out regular time for walks and date nights, but we’re really missing the restorative impact of an extended time away. Time to rest, recharge, and then dream again. We’re taking time this week, (praise hands!) and we’re packing a fresh copy of The Vision Course.
Vision-setting is part of Brian’s native genius (thank you, Multipliers!). For years he has been refining the vision-setting process, walking others through it, and distilling it into a shareable format. Our best momentum comes from the time we have spent working this process, getting excited about what’s next and clarifying the steps to get there.
Something to look forward to helps energize us, galvanize us and propel us.
The target we look toward can be all the difference: The wait for an anticipated package to arrive versus the wait for a nurse to call you from the waiting room for your annual physical.
In larger perspective, we do this as people of faith, knowing that anything earthly can be endured, “for the joy set before,” (Hebrews 12) with sights set toward our Heavenly home, as Christ did. It’s easy to lose a handle on that in the middle of it all. So take time to re-calibrate. Remember what you’re looking forward to, both Heavenly and earthly.
Today’s Practice: What are your hopes set on? Look for a way to keep this hope alive and in focus.
Creativity As Holy Rebellion
I am setting after creativity as an act of holy rebellion.
A rebellion against the entropy of the world and the chaos of my inner monologue. An act that requires the discipline of mind to set after something and stay after it.
My work has a creative component, which is one of the things I love so much about it. But creativity is nothing without the discipline and tenacity to see the moment of inspiration through to fulfillment.
This is a battle I have always lived in. I find that so often when I have the creative impulse and have scheduled the time to follow it through, I find myself mired in feelings of guilt. I feel guilty for having the privilege of creative and fulfilling work; for my flexible schedule; my warm house; for living in a place surrounded by beauty.
This guilt-spiral can take off and devolve ever darker … or at some point I become aware that I’m back in the familiar wrestle, and remember that this is the least helpful or fruitful way to think:
My mental spin-out helps no one, and actively harms my ability to live purposefully and productively.
It steals my energy from the task at hand; steals my focus from building a kingdom-centered life. It turns me into a drainer in relationships, searching for validation in places (people) that can’t provide it.
Not to mention that it is based on a self-centered mindset and the assumption that everyone else is pursuing the same set of values that I am: flexibility, simplicity, autonomy, creativity. It’s simply not true. I’m comparing myself against a false ideal.
I see how often this happens, especially to women. Our effort and energy are spent on overthinking, shame, guilt, and comparison instead of moving forward in holy boldness; claiming the space we’re meant to fill.
Remembering that all this overthinking is a self centered mindset helps kick me out of the guilt and shame (which are also self centered) and toward a productive place. I remember that space, stillness and settledness are essential to creativity. I can’t create from compulsion, confusion or an unsettled mind.
Today’s practice: Ask, “What is the task at hand? Where do I begin?” And then begin.
10 Tips For Introverts in Ministry
Since this topic is so near to my heart and one I’ve lived, struggled, and wrestled with, I was delighted to share this post over on the Awesome Marriage site.
“... The first great news is that contrary to what you may have grown up seeing, or may have seen on the internet, there is no mold. (Phew!)
God calls each of us into a unique context, and we are each perfectly suited to that calling. But that doesn’t mean we get to hunker down and use introversion as an excuse to do our own thing. Following Jesus is a sanctifying process for ALL believers. Becoming more like Him WILL be uncomfortable at times...”