I haven’t wanted to write all my thoughts about Church because, to put it bluntly, I have often found church people to be judgy. 

I don’t want to write, knowing as I do that in this world, anything you say or do can and will be used against you. As I type, I can already feel my words being read and picked apart by the people predisposed to dislike me; those who have no trust for me or for someone like me.

I know from experience that to be in ministry is to know that church people are watching – always watching – sometimes with pen in hand to take notes on the ways your words and deeds fall short or fail to display the character of Christ in ways they agree with.

Yet in church, I’ve found others who are earnest, genuine, generous and seeking to live a life marked by love. 

And if I really face the facts, I know I’ve been both types. 

I was born into a ministry family, then accidentally married into another so Church has shaped my life for all 42 of my years (except my first year or so of college - but that’s another story,) and I have wrestled a lot with the gap between those two types of people; between actually following the way of Jesus, and the capital C Church being all that it is in present culture. 

I want to write these things out. Writing has always offered me a helpful way to sort things out. In addition, it’s always been my belief that when I deal with something real, hard, visceral, trying, it’s best to share: Somewhere, someone else is living out all the same things, wondering, like me, if they’re alone in this; not sure who can relate.I have benefited so much from reading something that allows me the lightbulb moment of, “ah, it’s NOT just me!” 

We are always better off when we know we’re not alone in it. And I know I’m not the only one processing; living based on the way of Jesus, yet grappling uncomfortably with the sphere that places me in. 

As much as I don’t want to write, I know that working through the real, hard parts of life, not trying to ignore them, is the way to grow through them. It’s not a perfect process, but it is essential.